I’ve had this discussion with several people, and they all seemed genuinely shocked when I point out: you,as a parent, are owed NOTHING. You carried him in your womb for 9 months? Great, thanks, and he owes you nothing. That feeling of “owe” leads to mothers and fathers guilting the living shit out of their children. You don’t like this dynamic, Mom and Dad? Tough shit. You should not have taken the job in the first place.
If ever a job description for “parent” is written, the sentence that needs to be included is “No guaranteed compensation.”
If you get a sense of pride, of love, of loyalty… well, that’s yours and I am happy you have it. I love the heck out of my son and he loves me back. That’s, in my opinion, a wonderful and fortunate thing and should be cherished. It can even be cultivated.
But is not, was not, and never shall be owed to me. My son gives love and respect freely, of his on whim and will. (I got lucky on that, by the way, because I have had some poor moments as a dad, but he, to his credit, forgives me so much more than I deserve sometime. and I suspect I’m not alone.) I took the job as parent, knowing full well that I would be sacrificing time, money, and most of all effort and getting no guaranteed compensation in return. It’s harsh, but true.
Someone once said to me: “I do think it’s reasonable to think you deserve respect if you’ve given someone respect, for instance. Doesn’t that extend to parent-child relationships too?” I reply: without question. But who judges the “owing”? Who gets to decide if any “repayment” or “exchange” will take place? I just don’t believe the parents have any right to expect any compensation for their efforts as parents. If the child so chooses to reciprocate, then that is AWESOME, in both senses of the word. But the parent has no moral right to be disappointed in the child if he/she chooses not to reciprocate. that sort of thing leads to charges of “ungrateful” and “mean” leveled at someone who never agreed to the dynamic in the first place. We parents did agree to shelter, feed, clothe, educate, and (in most cases!) love our children. If my son never “pays me back,” I’ll be sad, but I’ll understand it’s not up to me as a parent. Just like it’s not up to my parents to decide whether I should do the same for them. That’s the basic parenting deal, IMO.
To those folks who love their parents and want to “pay them back”: please do continue to love them. And give them whatever it is you feel comfortable with. And I hope that everyone gets a chance to feel that way, but, having the history with my parents I have had, I fault no man or woman for choosing not to.
And to those who are nodding and saying “Parents are not your friends,” I declare: amen. You can be friendly, and have a friend-like relationship, but the parent-child dynamic will always remain. and that’s perfectly fine. My parents love me as their child, and are learning to deal with me (and as a consequence, like me) as a fellow parent and adult. It’s not mere friendship, but it’s parent-child without question.